Unwanted Read online

  Unwanted is, without rival, the best book on broken sexuality I have ever read. It is heartbreaking and hope-restoring, and with immense kindness, it proceeds to where most work stalls and refuses to enter. Jay’s research is groundbreaking. No one has pursued these dark waters with as much light-offering, data-bound research. Even more, Jay offers the heart of the gospel in a manner that doesn’t trivialize sin or addiction but lifts the battle up to the ambivalence we have about freedom. This book will be a classic that anchors us in brilliant research, soul honesty, and biblical reflection.

  DAN B. ALLENDER, PHD, author of Healing the Wounded Heart and coauthor of God Loves Sex

  Over the past twenty-five years of ministry, I’ve witnessed many men and women floundering in a sea of hopelessness due to their own (or a spouse’s) sexual brokenness. That’s why I’m so excited about and grateful for Jay’s work in the field of sexual addiction and restoration. If you’re hungry for deep healing, or searching for practical ways to help others heal from unhealthy emotional entanglements and sexual dysfunction, Unwanted will be an incredibly sharp tool in your tool belt!

  SHANNON ETHRIDGE, MA, author of Every Woman’s Battle

  Jay Stringer’s Unwanted demonstrates a depth of insight and wisdom that I found stunning! I have been counseling men and women in the church who are battling with sexual brokenness for over thirty years and have written fifteen books on the subject. Yet I found Jay’s grasp of the subject profound, and the graphic illustrations he used to summarize various points were worth the price of the book alone. It will truly help many come out of their shame and finally find freedom. Stringer is a top gun, and I would fly with him into combat anytime!

  DR. TED ROBERTS, cofounder of Pure Desire Ministries International

  As bleak as the landscape of sexual brokenness may appear, God always raises up his people to proclaim a path to healing and redemption. Jay Stringer is one of those voices. Unwanted is a courageous, insightful work that challenges us to look beyond the what into the why of our sexual sin. This book will undoubtedly equip many on the journey to freedom.

  DR. JULI SLATTERY, cofounder of Authentic Intimacy and author of Rethinking Sexuality

  Unwanted’s breakthrough research into the origins of sexual brokenness convincingly shows why tips and techniques to combat it have failed to lead to the freedom we desire and are designed to enjoy. Unwanted is a life-giving room of grace where all of us can find relief from the heartache of sexual shame. Jay Stringer invites you to know your story and dare to believe that you will be loved more—not less—for what it reveals. The culture, including the church, has needed this book for decades. Thousands will experience God’s kindness and healing through it.

  BRUCE MCNICOL, president of Trueface

  If sexuality is anything, it’s complicated! This thing that involves our whole selves—body, mind, spirit—this thing that can compel our behavior but is also shaped by our habits. In Unwanted, Jay Stringer shines a spotlight on one important aspect of our sexual lives—our personal history, particularly the way our sexuality intersects with our brokenness over time. By inviting us to be compassionate with ourselves and curious about our story, he helps us to look beyond the shame and embarrassment that so often deaden us and toward real, authentic, healthy ways of relating to ourselves, our loved ones, our community, and even God.

  DEBRA HIRSCH, author of Redeeming Sex

  A thorough theoretical framework and nuanced vocabulary are critical tools when dealing with unwanted sexual desires, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors. Even with these, the journey to persevere requires real stories of personal discovery and hope. In Unwanted, Jay Stringer not only provides a set of tools to understand these matters but also offers a story and vision for those who find themselves in dark places.

  WILLIAM M. STRUTHERS, author of Wired for Intimacy

  Wow. This book is a weapon for freedom and flourishing in a world bombarded with sexual pain and brokenness. If you are tired of the blame-and-shame methods filled with guilt and fear around sex, Jay offers a life-changing alternative: restored sexual wholeness and flourishing. Sex is good? Indeed. Refreshingly honest and humble, Jay refuses avoidance and despair around the most painful oppression of our time. Using a divine strategy with incredible skill, Jay enters our brokenness and finds the keys to our sexual freedom and wholeness within the depth of our pain. Get this book. Read this book. Let the healing and freedom come.

  DANIELLE STRICKLAND, cofounder of Infinitum and author of The Ultimate Exodus

  Unwanted changes the conversation on sexual brokenness for this generation of believers. Jay Stringer engages the why beneath our sexual shame with groundbreaking research and the wisdom of a counselor.

  JOSH MCDOWELL, author and speaker

  Unwanted enters the heartache of sexual brokenness and reveals the deepest longings within us for redemption. Recognizing how evil seeks to misdirect our longings, Jay illuminates how even our sin can reveal important truths about ourselves and our unique path to redemption. Through groundbreaking research and a heart for the gospel, Stringer invites us to the critical task of finding hope and meaning within our sexual lives. He clearly shows how Christ invites us to depth of desire, not death of desire.

  CHRISTOPHER WEST, author, Fill These Hearts: God, Sex, and the Universal Longing

  Sexual brokenness is the most significant and underaddressed topic affecting men today. Jay’s work opens the door to a new conversation for all of us who need language to talk about it more transparently. Jay’s powerful research and clinical insights show how our earliest stories plant seeds that go on to hold tremendous power over us in our adult lives. Unwanted is going to lead you to an understanding of your life that can guide you to freedom.

  JAMES ANDERSON, president and CEO, New Canaan Society

  Jay Stringer is one of those rare leaders whose lives will leave an indelible mark on generations to come. In Unwanted, an incredible convergence of story, science, and theology makes it so accessible, it becomes transformational. It is the most impactful treatise I’ve ever read on how to understand that our pain and brokenness are actually pathways to full healing and restoration. I’m convinced that Unwanted addresses the source of sexual brokenness in our world. If we want to see our hearts restored and dismantle the forces that seek to ruin the beauty of sex, this book will be our road map.

  JASON PAMER, writer and producer, The Heart of Man

  NavPress is the publishing ministry of The Navigators, an international Christian organization and leader in personal spiritual development. NavPress is committed to helping people grow spiritually and enjoy lives of meaning and hope through personal and group resources that are biblically rooted, culturally relevant, and highly practical.

  For more information, visit www.NavPress.com.

  Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing

  Copyright © 2018 by Jay Stringer. All rights reserved.

  Cover illustration of head profile copyright © by agsandrew/Shutterstock. All rights reserved.

  A NavPress resource published in alliance with Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

  NAVPRESS and the NAVPRESS logo are registered trademarks of NavPress, The Navigators, Colorado Springs, CO. TYNDALE is a registered trademark of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Absence of ® in connection with marks of NavPress or other parties does not indicate an absence of registration of those marks.

  The Team:

  Don Pape, Publisher

  David Zimmerman, Acquisitions Editor

  Cara Iverson, Copy Editor

  Mark Anthony Lane II, Designer

  All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version,® NIV.® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used
by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture quotations marked ESV are taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from THE MESSAGE, copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

  Some of the anecdotal illustrations in this book are true to life and are included with the permission of the persons involved. All other illustrations are composites of real situations, and any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental.

  For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Tyndale House Publishers at [email protected], or call 1-800-323-9400.

  Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  ISBN 978-1-63146-672-4

  ISBN 978-1-63146-674-8 (ePub); ISBN 978-1-63146-675-5 (Kindle); ISBN 978-1-63146-673-1 (Apple)

  Build: 2018-08-15 14:55:47 EPUB 3.0

  To the 3,800 men and women who completed the research study on unwanted sexual behavior—may your stories light the path to freedom.

  Contents

  Foreword

  Introduction

  Chapter One: A Theology of Unwanted Sexual Behavior

  Part 1: How Did I Get Here? Chapter Two: Setting the Course of Unwanted Sexual Behavior

  Chapter Three: Dysfunctional Family Systems

  Chapter Four: Abandonment

  Chapter Five: Triangulation

  Chapter Six: Trauma as Soul Loss

  Chapter Seven: Sexual Abuse

  Part 2: Why Do I Stay? Chapter Eight: The Six Core Experiences of Unwanted Sexual Behavior

  Chapter Nine: Three Hijackers of Our Souls

  Chapter Ten: The Sex Industry

  Part 3: How Do I Get Out of Here? Chapter Eleven: Transforming Self

  Chapter Twelve: A New Sexual Story

  Chapter Thirteen: Exercise Attunement and Containment in Your Relationships

  Chapter Fourteen: Practice Conflict and Repair in Your Relationships

  Chapter Fifteen: Pursue Strength and Vulnerability in Your Relationships

  Chapter Sixteen: Learning to Invest in Community

  Chapter Seventeen: Community as a Place to Experience Structure and Mutual Support

  Chapter Eighteen: Community as a Place to Offer Empathy for the Stories of Others

  Chapter Nineteen: Community as a Place to Discover Purpose

  Conclusion

  Research Appendix

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Foreword

  WE ARE IN THE MIDST of a great sexual crisis in our culture. Despite our having more knowledge than ever about relationships, how our brains process and create pleasure, and how God ultimately designed us for sexual desires, sexual brokenness is at an all-time high. The beauty and holiness of sexuality have been unimaginably corrupted by the sex-trade industry, the explosive growth and ubiquity of pornography, and a fading moral code guarding any degree of sanctity about sex. Many are calling this crisis a “tsunami,” like the one that hit Japan some years ago. The fallout and debris are polluting our oceans.

  At such a time as this, in which the sexual crisis is ever growing, we immensely need this book. While we recognize the calamity of unwanted sexual behavior in our world today, we do not grieve as those without hope: At the heart of the gospel is the belief that our brokenness does not separate us from the love of God. It connects us.

  One of the standard Christian responses to sexual brokenness has been to simply attempt to “turn off” sexual fantasy or problematic sexual behavior. We do this, at times, for good reasons: We do not want our hearts seduced by the things of this world. Most of us truly want to honor God with our lives. But saying no to sexual perversion is not an adequate paradigm for recovery. In Romans 12:2, the apostle Paul offered a fuller vision for how our hearts and minds change. We are instructed not to be conformed to the ways of the world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Renewing our minds is not about turning off our minds. It is about turning to pursue the deepest affections God has given us.

  Modern neuroscientific research has demonstrated the scientific accuracy of Paul’s claim by showing the brain is in fact plastic. That is to say, it can actually build new pathways and new associations! This is a physiological dynamic, not just a spiritual one. I participated in a brain scan study at Vanderbilt University in which the researchers could actually see a new pathway in my brain. This pathway had the ability to override, even at a deep level in my brain, the powerful effects of all the pornography and sexual activity that I had participated in during the years of my own sexual addiction. I have now been in recovery for thirty-one years, and my brain has been transformed and renewed.

  I have seen thousands of people with sexual brokenness begin their own journeys to transformation. One of the ways this has happened is through a concept I pioneered over three decades of ministry and counseling. This concept, now faithfully advanced in Jay Stringer’s work, is that our sexual fantasies are nothing to be ashamed of. They are, in fact, our greatest teachers.

  Many people have told me they almost fell out of their chairs when they heard me speak about this. My point is that sexual fantasy is often created out of a need to satisfy the deepest emotional and spiritual longings we have. For example, it is no wonder many of the men I counsel often fantasize when they are lonely or angry. The fantasy is an attempt to reconcile, in their own strength, all that seems broken around them. When we pay attention, sexual fantasies are messengers from our souls to reveal our deepest longings. And these longings are good.

  This is just one of the many reasons I’m grateful for Unwanted. This is a book centered on an audacious claim: The specifics of your sexual brokenness can reveal your unique way to healing. Jay Stringer addresses the adverse impact of our sin and addiction while showing us how the particulars of these realities can guide us to our long-awaited healing and liberation. It is my sincere hope that this book is read widely, both within and outside the church.

  One of my greatest joys is getting to know some of the bright emerging thought leaders in this field. Such a man is Jay Stringer. Unwanted is full of Jay’s clinical skill, deep theological understanding, and groundbreaking research that I know you will find fascinating. His ardent insight and heart for the gospel are going to shape the field for years to come. You will pick this book up because of your struggle with unwanted sexual behavior, but through its pages, you will discover a fuller vision of healing and desire than you ever imagined.

  This book is a blessing, one that I know you will greatly benefit from.

  Mark Laaser, MDiv, PhD

  Faithful & True

  APRIL 12, 2018

  Introduction

  The young man who rings the bell at the brothel is unconsciously looking for God.

  BRUCE MARSHALL, THE WORLD, THE FLESH, AND FATHER SMITH

  When you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.

  FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE, BEYOND GOOD AND EVIL

  A MAN I WAS COUNSELING—I’ll call him Jeffrey—sat in my office a week before Christmas. It was our first session together, after he had been arrested on charges of soliciting prostitution. Jeffrey is one of hundreds of thousands of men who buy sex in the United States. He told me he had bought sex on Saturday mornings since his college days in Pennsylvania. Halfway into our session he remarked, “I don’t understand all the reasons I do this. But I know there is an amazing feeling that comes over me when I lock eyes with a woman on the streets.”

  I asked Jeffrey to tell me a bit about what Saturday mornings were l
ike for him as a child. He replied, “My mom would usually leave my older brother and me home alone on the weekends because she worked a second job. We were always on the verge of poverty, and she was gone quite a bit.” His father had left the family when Jeffrey was eleven years old. He continued, “My older brother was more of a loner. He could stay inside listening to music or playing video games for hours. I wasn’t like that. I usually just rode my bike around the neighborhood.”

  I asked Jeffrey if he may have been out looking to find something or someone if he rode his bike on a usual basis. He thought for a moment and said, “Sure. I remember cruising through my neighborhood trying to find girls I knew from middle school. I would ride around for hours just to see if I could get ‘that look’ from a classmate.”

  Twenty years later, unbeknownst to him, Jeffrey’s Saturday-morning ritual was essentially the same. The bike became an SUV. Cruising around for a middle-school crush became his approach to finding exploited women. A mom with a second job was now a spouse whose job at a concert venue required her to work weekends. As an adult, Jeffrey was recreating the dynamics of his childhood. Like most of us, though, he had no awareness of doing so.

  At the end of our first session, it was apparent that Jeffrey’s strategy to ride away from the loneliness and anger of a painful childhood had become the very vehicle now driving him into a life of crisis. This is often the case with our unwanted sexual behavior. The behaviors that help us survive our formative exiles become increasingly problematic when we expect them to work over a lifetime.

  The faces Jeffrey sought out in middle school, which brought him a sense of validation and even rest, were now costing him more than tens of thousands of dollars a year when we added up all of the expenses associated with buying sex. These financial costs were only a microcosm of all the other damage occurring in his life: secrecy and isolation in his marriage, anxiety about losing his corporate position if he were discovered, and a deep-seated belief that shame would be his closest ally. The more he bought sex, the more unwanted he felt in every realm of life.